it's been a while.

being slaved away may be a good work-out plan, but i'm picking up bad habits:
i eat at weird times, stay up for no reason, and OMG i visit starbucks!!
the monday barista is pretty shit:
she couldn't make a good blend of pre-mixed macha syrup and steamed milk,
nor could she yell out 'green tea latté' when it was done
- just like any other blond i encoutered she stared at me and 'ehhh...'

but still heaps better than the 1$ coffee at work.
staff benefit? enlighten me
- why even pay to have shit stuffed into my mouth?

oh, 'work'.
it's eating my life away.

as if i had one?
the so-called art took it away from me.

now i've got nothing to commit to.

蘿蔔頭憨態歐吉桑終於走了.

走之前也意思一下的轟ㄌ小趴, 他買了一箱啤酒, 一瓶劣酒, 還有二十幾公斤的MUSSELS, 真的是七效. 如果沒有咩咩的莎拉芝士和麵包, 以及老娘的烤全雞, 這一趴到底是有沒有得吃? 這也作罷, 可一群法國人聚在一起的話題竟還是離不開他們的民族優越情節, 老娘索性便和男奴出門喝了一杯. 之後的幾天, 屋中所有人都在收蘿蔔頭的爛攤 -- 沒處理臭掉的MUSSELS, 五六雙鞋, 書畫, 弓箭, 一大堆雜物, 還有他托給我的小紅... 我們都懷疑, 蘿蔔頭真的搬出去了咩?

而這反覆掙扎的過程, 我們也意識到把他的東西移走, 全面掃除之後, 屋裡竟可如此整潔安祥. 這便是開運的兆頭!!

也因如此, 老娘在申請工作數目將破百之際終於有還OK的OFFER, 而開始在全紐最讚的餐廳工作之際, 我去減了短髮.


其實不甚滿意....

伊濫同學的展覽開幕 -- 一片虛假 -- 這裡親親那裡抱抱, 還要不時地加以讚美崇拜,  同學間也懶得問在幹麻了, 除了少數優秀又幸運的有職稱, 大多是完全符合一般人對藝術家的既有印象, 顯示一團和樂融融.

最近又開始淋嘎逼, 為了轉移我還沒去買cezve的罪過, 每天煮stovetop, 不過最多也只有個法佬會一起喝, 所以我似乎有過量的症狀出現. 這倒是讓我記起來之前為什麼嘎逼愈喝愈少的原因, 一個應該上PROZAC的人似乎不該每天刺激, 又開始了莫名其妙的憂鬱, 又開始無邊無際的神遊.. 聽著CALI的ROBERTA, 走在路上差點飆淚. 是吧, 有件事情我可以說真的後悔, 只是每一個過去所累積成的現在都是値得的, 所以也只能加奶, 化掉.*


{{小紅}}



* for a 'flying effect', strong dose of kahlua is recommended.

i had a nightmare the other day, so horrified that i actually screamed out and woke up. it's the ageing process -- I'm becoming mum.

i have not slept well since.

and have been troubled by other thoughts too. vivid images and memories repeatedly run through my head, so real that i could still smell the flower and feel the heat of the sun that day. that one happy day and many that followed, but then i realised how distant we all have become.. how careless and immature i still am.

I have nothing.
they've given me so much, yet i feel there's nothing i could offer in return. gosh i dare say so! have i tried enough? have i?

"When you are living, nothing happens. The settings change, people come in and go out, that's all. There are never any beginnings. Days are tacked on to days without rhyme or reason, it is an endless, monotonous addition." (2000: 61)

Sorry but i couldn't bring myself to it, i had to avoid the party this time.

Ever since I could only cowyao in English, I write from cowyao to coward. There are so many things I feel reluctant to put into words, not only because I am cautious in word use, but also by taking the imaginary readership into account, I don't know if i want to be misread.

There's an intimate relationship one has to a language. I may well be a playgirl who wants to violate all complex affections without any actual commitment. Whether it's the lack of 'a sense of owningness' or 'a sense of belongingness', I appear to associate with those I pleasure -- but in turn they all fail to please me.

Then I begin to blame myself; for not giving enough, not investing enough, not being passionate enough about the many greatness of an effective communication.
It's like; I expect guaranteed satisfaction from adult shop products but not even care enough to read the instruction before use. Therefore I shall not be granted happiness.

But really, happiness is too much to ask. I would like to think myself as an adult -- unfortunately, however, with a good memory. therefore just forgetting, letting go, and moving forward can take up most of my time and energy.
Of course I am the only one to blame! Carrot-Head is right, and i respect his professional advice, that it's all just me. And it shouldn't be so.

Pour se suicider, il faut beaucoup s'aimer. Un vrai révolutionnaire ne peut pas s'aimer.
-- Camus, Les justes, p.32, Folio n°477

i was over the moon when i got my michel serrault -- yeah yeah yeah!! oh yeah yeah!!
but man, michel de certeau is still giving me a hard time. arts de faire should be arts de lire. now i have to say the traslator actually did a very good job in making the practice of everyday life even readible.. but no, it must be my fault not getting it, i need to get better at reading... or maybe i should pass and carry on living my life -- as if i had one.

problem is, though, that i can't sleep!!
and i miss grandma.. @@

'you are tea that needs to be contained.'
so i made a visit to the container store, and everything was overpriced.

Talked to an old lady on the bus yesterday, felt bad. A trip from Australia on her own for her older sister's 85th birthday, was good fun but 'ended in tears' she said, as she was basically dumped on the street in the morning. I just couldn't get over the fact that an old lady has to stay at YHA, and spend the day doing nothing or pretending to enjoy a free bus ride in a unfamiliar town. she asked where McDo was, perhaps she hadn't had anything that day yet.. it was two thirty in the afternoon.

Advice of the day: 'don't cross with the older sister!'
I laughed and murmured some nonsense.

maybe iphone is the solution. or maybe nokia map does make it easier.
whatever it is, our efficiency around communication has not advanced much at all.

"i know... i know... but it's because she's leaving..
(pause)
she's leaving tomorrow...
(pause)
she's going to austrilia..."

no phone can save us, we can't make pop corns with it anyway.

So I can't type in Chinese now, not with ZhuYin I mean... and I really don't know PinYin. Good thing is, though, that I am 'upgraded' to 'professional,' which is cool. Pretty fast at the moment, I guess it's because that I haven't fully re-installed all my beloved programmes yet. All's good except I have been way too lazy sorting out nothing for school.

So it's about time the mid-year tantrum hits again.

今年很奇怪, 異常的忙碌, 又異常的冷清, 碩士樓快成了鬼城. 上週咱們每個人專題研討報告, 恩, 其實也不是每個人, 據我所知禿伊的名子沒在名單上, 我們能想到的就是毛利特權.. 另外一個毛利老女人(吼,要她知道我大概會被砍) 是很理直氣壯啦, 她都準備好了, 但是依據她的研究, 必須全程用毛利語報告, 然後就說是指導老師沒有先安排好翻譯人員, 這不是特權又是什麼. 藝術學院就是給這些人靠腰的. 跟去年一樣, 我大概一半以上都有去聽, 今年在大教室, 所以又顯現人少的可憐. 沒有人關心同學研究的是什麼, 關起門來搞藝術, 還要自慰到什麼程度? 這樣的氣圍下, 很難有動力去學校吧, 畢竟學院真的能提供的不過是環境, 一個看似可以刺激成長的環境. 但這又涉及到專業領域, 以及學院制度. 但最終, 還是要看人的心態. 什麼心態呢? 說穿了就是自負, 一種沒有辦法正當化的高傲, 又在藝術圈的自治下成立了.

換季的時候總會有些舊東西又冒出來. 又答上話, 又去回憶, 但電腦記憶已經刪除, 還是改天吧. 我還是記得那天下午的orangina, 我的若有所思, 和夭壽貴的韓國烤肉. 現在, 26的我感到自由, & really blessed.

從油嬤嬤那邊拿來的小草放在窗台上, 希望它活下來!!

放了一個禮拜的假, 有開始鬆懈的感覺, 今年是蠻忙的, 忙得沒時間靠腰, 為了慶祝即將開學, 我去訂了材料, 逛一逛也順手買了隨身聽, 算是人生中的轉捩點, 因為我以前完全不聽隨身聽, 我討厭它, 甚至也厭惡成天帶著耳機的人, 那種自以為與世隔絕, 不屑一顧的狂傲, 如今也收買了我... 也可以說我發呆煩了, 傲客嵐也沒有什麼值得我發呆的人事物, 真的不如聽音樂吧. 啊? 這不是狂傲是什麼? 也不能說這裡是文化沙漠, 我還不是每個禮拜去電影欣賞, 參觀展覽, 聽音樂會, 藝術研討, 如此這般的各項文化洗禮... 是阿, 愈洗愈沒文化, 我看不到身邊的美好了.. 又看不到了.

今天去泡澡, 見識到中國的人多勢眾, 我大概可以理解鳥人的反華心理了. 一個小孩子在游泳池裡嘻鬧玩水很可愛, 但是一群小孩不顧旁邊的人一直濺水就可能引起公憤, 當然, 傲客嵐就是充斥著這樣的小華鳥... 後來我去超市買東西, 一個媽媽帶著小孩, 小孩把物品拿起來一一檢視, 中國的產品就不買, 姑且不論中國產品的好壞, 鳥國就是這麼愛進口中國貨啊, 不買活得下去咩?

所以要愛呆丸, 我每週喝珍奶, 吃肉鬆捲, 泡台灣高山茶, 炒台飯...

前幾個禮拜去一場音樂會, 坐在我前面的爺爺很熱情, 又拍手又嘶喊, 還不時跺腳歡呼. 下半場時氣溫又開始下降, 他咳了幾下, 旁邊的奶奶輕輕的拍拍爺爺的背, 然後他們互看了兩下, 不時微笑.. 我看著奶奶像枯枝般的手, 還有他們兩頭白髮, 讓我想到許多法片營造出來的 "真愛" 現場, 我看到兩小無猜, 但又是那種了解和珍惜, 好像只有 "時間" 能營造出來的特效.

"多一個敵人不如少一個朋友." 他的名言, 在所有他對我說過的字句中, 我認為這是經典, 因為當初的我完全不能認同, 但現在可以. 我才發現, 他從來都是敵人, 不是朋友. 也因此我找了個藉口, 捨棄那些我以為只有同等時間才能衡量的尊重和共識, 一種了解的假象, 如果我必須重新去認識, 或許這是好的開始, 如果真的有這個必要. 時間又沒了意義, 因為你總是很清楚明白, 誰是, 誰不是. 但我們還是很喜歡 "如果". 

如果我早半年認識妳, 我現在就跟妳結婚.
如果我們晚幾年認識,  我們可以一輩子過.

是阿, 相對於某些人, 如果不認識該有多好.... 我這樣想.

過了一年, 又到了Borders, 還是買了 CD... 算了, 因為很久沒買, 最近花錢似乎也花上癮了. Nicolo Paganini 24 Caprices & Shostakovich: The String Quartets, 不錯聽窩. 小提琴是很容易融入的樂器, 所以不至於有接受上的障礙; Shostakovich 老實說我是之前聽了No.4 & 6 聽了好一陣子才傾心, 決定收藏全輯. Chamber 還是現場聽好, 雖然 CD 的音質都蠻好的, 可以近距離一同呼吸享受拉扯的動感當然還是更勝一籌. 一百二, 還算可以.

回到奧克蘭, 又開始談錢.

傲大的學生宿舍的確要提前申請, 但我去年看到75$的手續費就想算了, 但今年回來想說市區也只能住那個了, 在寄居好友家的一個星期當中, 除了自找住處, 也姑且到學校的宿舍辦公室問問... 坐了一個小時的公車, 花了6.80$到市區, 人已經在辦公室了, 沒想到所有的申請過程都'電子化', 我必須面帶笑容的跟她道謝, 走出office, 又花6.80$, 又坐一個小時回家上網... "現在申請有點晚囉, 我們不保證有房間窩.. 要等一個禮拜才會書面回覆..." 就這樣, 我付了75$的申請費, 而在不帶希望的一個禮拜的等待期間中, 我第三天找到了一周150$隨便你用的簡單住處, 火速搬了. 過了兩天隨即收到傲大的電郵恭喜我有一個房間了!! 一周140$還可以啦, 打開副檔看居住的規定和相關內容: 電話沒有, 網路自己裝, 洗衣服請投幣, 鍋碗瓢盆請自備, 搬進去之前要先付500$押金... 歹勢窩, 還沒住過這麼坑人的地方, 所以我也懶得動, 然後學校說由於已經提供住處給我, 是我自己不要, 所以75$是收不來的...

朋友們總問我在基督城過的如何. 沒錯, 我是在那窟了兩個月, 學習人生中重要的課題: 如何厚顏無恥地開心做米蟲. 事情沒有這麼複雜, 只是我必須抽離 --
meditating -- 我這麼說.

因此, 我又有泡茶聊天的摯友, 又感受到愈夜愈美麗. 又在基督城跨年, 又是藝術圈的三小朋友. 又去了最愛的Wanaka, 又看到了好山好水. 又有小白來代步, 又沉浸掌握的快感. 又穿上短褲布鞋, 又喘息於山野海岸!! 每日咖啡, 每週電影.. 可以再廢一點! 是的, 在心靈的廢墟上, 我竟然還能找到這麼點基礎, 還有這麼點信念, 再回到傲客嵐, 真的一切都不一樣了. 舊地重遊, 在鳥國, 哪裡沒有回憶? 下午五點四十五分的陽光散發著同樣的溫暖, 公車的廢棄和柏油的熱氣逼人, 我又抹上Elizabeth Arden的綠茶香水, 點了C1的flat white.

舊地重遊, 同樣的街道, 商店, 住處, 朋友, 我重疊了新的記憶.
在顏料沒有完全乾的時候就上光漆會造成表面龜裂.
在上新漆之前要把舊漆徹底刮除, 以免造成變質或均裂.
玩paint的人都知道的基本道理, 但你知道我想突破傳統.

今年碩班有很多人不回來唸, 雖然還沒開學, 已經感到有些孤單了. 但我有種, 我還是會靠過.

一場風暴
颳了一年. 它讓我學會了犯錯, 學會認輸, 學會逃避, 然後放棄. 但也在這樣的過程中, 重新認識了自己, 我的極限, 我的缺點, 執著, 和維護自尊的那最後一絲堅強. 你越界的那刻, 我冷靜地抽離, 對你宣示 -- 再也傷不了我 -- 在被侵略的絕望中, 唯一的勇敢是逼迫承認自己的軟弱. 從此, 順從成為將你推開的溫柔. 一切都好, 我客套的說著.

少了你, 世界真的很美好.

去年浪蕩開始, 今年也是... 還玩?! 有完沒完?? 現世報的速度愈來愈快, 來吧! 吃這個也吐, 吃那個也吐, 今天早上是肚子痛醒的. 壓力, 在夢裡更加沉重. 醒來, 家裡打掃一遍, 所有的人又晃過腦中, 我到底是怎樣渾渾噩噩過了前兩年? 你說在那些經歷後還能保有純真咩? 如果我還能用當年同樣的心去看待, 去灌溉, 是否會找回當年的開懷和希望?

恐懼, 因為我真的很快樂.

是吧? 不是開我玩笑.

她的眼又泛了淚光, 理所當然又是我, 從小到大就只有我會做這種事情, 因為我會忍不住脫口而出, 因為我總天真相信 getting the point across. 當然, 我也不是沒有體會, 也因為這樣我也開始拘謹, 學習沉默, 直到這份死寂纏繞著我們, 一次又一次讓我們欲言又止, 猜疑, 拐彎抹腳的關心... 什麼是快樂? 當我考慮的越多愈發現拘泥不進, 我的自我實現消失了, 因為以往的動力往往來自逃離, 我想逃離這樣的環境, 這樣的思考模式, 所以我選擇了不同的路, 接觸不同的人, 試圖過不同的生活.. 但總總這樣根深蒂固的模式讓我更加憎恨這樣的我, 這個最不經意時意識到他們影子的我. 同樣的方式, 我承襲了這樣的愛, 讓人窒息, 讓人不知所措, 讓人抓不著頭緒. 拉鋸著, 又過了一年, 又回到原點.