i had a nightmare the other day, so horrified that i actually screamed out and woke up. it's the ageing process -- I'm becoming mum.

i have not slept well since.

and have been troubled by other thoughts too. vivid images and memories repeatedly run through my head, so real that i could still smell the flower and feel the heat of the sun that day. that one happy day and many that followed, but then i realised how distant we all have become.. how careless and immature i still am.

I have nothing.
they've given me so much, yet i feel there's nothing i could offer in return. gosh i dare say so! have i tried enough? have i?

"When you are living, nothing happens. The settings change, people come in and go out, that's all. There are never any beginnings. Days are tacked on to days without rhyme or reason, it is an endless, monotonous addition." (2000: 61)

Sorry but i couldn't bring myself to it, i had to avoid the party this time.